Do you have what it takes to be a successful couples therapist?
While it may seem clear that couples therapy differs from individual therapy, the skills required to effectively work with couples are often underestimated.
A Couples Therapist must navigate not only the distinct personalities of each partner but also the dynamics of their relationship. This requires a flexible approach, as the therapist’s role must adapt to the evolving interaction between the couple. Keys to success include recognizing this shift in role, understanding the dynamics in the room, anticipating potential challenges, and being aware of what you bring to the therapeutic process.
Seven things to consider before deciding to become a Couples Therapist
Focus on the couple, not the individual
There is some rapport building that needs to happen and some exploring of how individual traumas impact the relationship, however the majority of the interactions should be within the couple. This means it’s less important that the therapist develops a deep connection with each individual and more important the couple is deepening their connection and understanding. A great Couples Therapist can be considered a coach for the relationship, they will guide the union in healthy communication and conflict management skills without advice giving or trying to do individual therapy in a couples setting.
Gottman Level 2 Trained Clinical Therapists Kacie Naros and Nanci Nikodym on what makes a great Couples Therapist
Master the art of interrupting
A good Couples Therapist needs to feel comfortable interrupting. This is important because stopping a couple at the right moment helps them learn to identify at what point escalation happens as well as what they are doing poorly. Interrupting feels weird to a lot of therapists–especially when their approach is person-centered. Remember, the couple is trying to learn how to effectively communicate in their relationship, and that will feel very differently than being in the therapy room with an individual.
Don’t shy away from being direct
There is a great balance between being direct and being empathetic. A great Couples Therapist is going to do both. It’s not hard for a good therapist to be empathic, but just like interrupting, being direct can feel a little odd. A directive approach is vital to being a good Couples Therapist because the couple doesn’t know what they don’t know. They may have been stuck in the same pattern of poor communication or escalation for years and the Couples Therapist must direct to new patterns.
Be aware of your own conflict style
There are three basic conflict styles; avoidant, volatile, and validating. Avoidant is when someone doesn’t talk about what’s bothering them or if they do it’s very indirect and brief, often not making it known there’s a problem. Volatile is when folks go right into the conflict with no holding back. Often with volatile there’s high levels of horsemen (defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt). The validating style is very… validating. A person with such a conflict style often wants to be understood but also desires to understand the other’s perspective.
A Couples Therapist whose conflict styles are avoidant and volatile can create unique challenges to the therapy and ultimately the couple. If the Couples Therapist has an avoidant conflict style, they may shy away from bringing up topics which the couple has conflict over. They also may have difficulty challenging the couple when they are in a conflict. A Couples Therapist with a volatile conflict style may wind up being too confrontational or pick one partner to “side” with.
Gottman Level 2 Trained Clinical Therapists Kacie Naros and Nanci Nikodym on what makes Gottman Method Couples Therapy so successful
A Couples Therapist who has an avoidant or volatile style is not inherently going to suck, but they will likely need supervision to help them process their own reactions to conflict and help their work with couples develop towards a validating approach.
Non-defensive listening
Sometimes a couple can be upset with the therapist. This can have many different reasons, such as when progress is taking longer than wished for, the partners are projecting their anger towards the therapist, the couple is expecting the therapist to be magic and fix all their problems. The long and the short is that a good Couples Therapist is going to listen non-defensively, validate, and model how to engage in a healthy way.
In short, as a Couples Therapist it’s important that you:
establish boundaries especially when couples escalate.
hold space for big emotions and validate them.
take control and do not let arguments go on.
be fair to both partners.
be direct and let them know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in session.
Curiosity
There is a huge emphasis in Gottman Method Couples Therapy on the importance of staying curious about their partner. A good Couples Therapist will always be curious about each partner in the relationship. What is each person's motive? What is each person's desire? Why do they continue to do the same thing when there are alternatives? This will help the therapist avoid siding with one partner as well as keep a positive perspective about the couple and relationship.
Boundaries
A good Couples Therapist will practice what they preach… boundaries! The couple needs to hear what you expect from them as well as what they can expect from you. Boundaries can look like many things; expressing your own needs (as it relates to therapy), stopping the sessions on time, holding the couple accountable for showing up to session, identifying when therapy should discontinue, when one or both partners should seek individual therapy in conjunction, stopping a partner using a horsemen with the therapist and coach them on how to communicate differently. You get the idea. They need help and you can model how to set healthy boundaries.
In addition to providing effective support for couples, you should be motivated and authentic, eager to engage in consultation and supervision, and thriving in a warm environment with high standards and a strong and shared sense of community.
Does that sound like you? If so, we would love to meet you!
Gottman Level 2 Trained Clinical Therapists Kacie Naros and Nanci Nikodym on how The Counseling Hub is supporting their work with couples
We are extremely excited about increasing your level of training to be better Couples Therapists. With Molly Lyons-Sword as our Director of Clinical Operations and first and only Certified Gottman Therapist in the area, we have the best support Missouri can offer. We are planning to become THE relationship counseling hub of the region, offering consultations, in-house training, retreats, and conferences.
At The Counseling Hub, we offer:
The logistics, inclusive built-in marketing
Supervision
Benefits: healthcare, a professional development stipend, paid time off, optional short-term disability, and retirement upon eligibility
A $1000 hiring bonus
Exclusive 1:1 consulting with Molly Lyons-Sword, one of fewer than 600 Certified Gottman Therapists worldwide!